This is a part of the SHare YOur STory series. I recieve e mails from individuals that have been affected in some way by abuse. They share their stories , hoping that they can help somebody or prevent the same thing from happening to your child.
Dear Confused, thank you for creating such a wonderful avenue for people to share their stories. I have found it very therapeutic and oddly comforting to know that not only am I not alone, but that in comparison to the stories I've read, what happened to me now doesn't seem so horrific.
I was at first very hesitant about doing this, and deliberated over it for weeks because I was scared that the person in question might read this and immediately identify me. But I now feel that I don't care whether or not she reads this - I want her to know how much she hurt me.
I am a young woman in my twenties. I have an older and younger sister. My older sister is 4 years older than I am and my younger sister about 3 years younger. I can't remember precise ages but I think she was about 16/17 and I would have been about 12/13. We had travelled from one part of Nigeria to another, on a trip during our holidays. She and I were in the same boarding school together abroad and were home for the holidays.
We had to stop over for the night so that my dad could rest from driving and booked into a hotel whose name I will never forget. My younger sister stayed in a room with my parents while I had to sleep in a bed with my older sister in a separate room. I was already nervous about this because she was something of a bully, to both myself and my little sis but mainly towards me. I was scared of her. I always felt that she hated me for some reason - even at school, people would always be surprised whenever I mentioned that she was my sister or that I even had a sister at the same school because she never spoke to me unless she had a message to pass on or to ''borrow'' money from me (it was never paid back). She made me feel I was ugly and for years I covered my mouth with my hand whenever I smiled or laughed because of things she said to me that made me feel insecure.
So on this night, I reluctantly got into bed and turned my back towards her and shut my eyes, praying that morning would come quickly. I noticed that she was fidgety and kept shifting in the bed. She turned towards me and asked me if I wanted to play a game with her. I became immediately suspicious - this is someone who couldn't stand my guts and never gave me the time of day. I didn't immediately relate this 'game' to anything sexual but I just knew that I didn't want to have any dealings with her there and then so I replied that I was tired and wanted to sleep.
But she persisted and told me it would be a fun game and that I would enjoy it. So, I turned around and asked what the game was. She then proceeded to grope my breasts and rub me 'down there', grabbed my hand, place it on her breasts and tried to force me to do the same to her, asking if I was enjoying it. I yanked my hand back and told her that I wanted to stop, that what she was doing was bad. She carried on for a few more seconds until I asked her to stop again and turned back over and tried so hard to go to sleep - I didn't succeed though because I was kept awake worrying that she might start on me again. I recall her calling my name a couple of times during the night but I pretended to sleep.
I've never felt so scared, ashamed and disgusted as I did that night and it effectively ruined what was left of our practically non-existent relationship. After that night, I always made every effort not to sit next to her or speak to her unless I really had to. I felt physically sick everytime I looked at her or thought about her. All that happened years ago and even till this day I still avoid close contact with her and don't trust her. There was also a time when I remember her calling my younger sister into her bedroom and telling her to lie on the bed. Then she closed and locked the door - afterwards I asked my younger sister what happened in there but she wouldn't talk about it, hence I don't know what happened and don't wish to imagine it but it sickens me to think that my younger sister may have gone through the same thing. In retrospect I should have run to my parents immediately and told them what happened but I didn't partly due to being scared and feeling ashamed. I also felt that they might not take it seriously - the same parents who let a lodger remain with us for weeks despite the fact that we had caught him masturbating naked in the middle of the night while looking into our window.
We live in different continents now and I think the distance may have helped in rebuilding...something. I can't say it helped to rebuild a relationship as such because we're far from close but I make a conscious effort to maintain some contact. Why? I don't know, maybe because I feel I have to as she's my sister. I hate her sometimes for what happened but I've forgiven her, despite the fact that we've never spoken about it and she has never apologized.
I was not penetrated like the women in previous stories but I still feel like I was violated - I didn't know anything about sex or boys at that age. I don't think it has affected my relationships to any great extent, only the way I relate with her which is unfortunate.
I agree with a previous comment that one should not blame difficulties in one's life to past experiences but that's quite a difficult thing to do. Abuse in any form - sexual, emotional or physical - can leave you scarred for life and it takes enormous strength to overcome it. For me, gaining some sort of closure would involve asking her why she felt the need to do what she did and have her show remorse. Realistically I don't think it will ever happen.
Thanks again - this is the first time I've ever spoken about this and it will probably be the last. My heart goes out to any man, woman, child who is a victim of abuse. Stay strong
My THoughts/Lessons LEarned : Her story really disturbed me . Women are percieved to be caring nuturing people . I wonder if some people are just born with a screw loose. That a sisiter would do that is certainly disturbing. If there is a lesson it is the need for us to open the lines of communication with children. Your children should feel they can tell you anything no matter what.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
SHare YOur STory 10
This is a part of the SHare YOur STory series. I recieve e mails from individuals that have been affected in some way by abuse. They share their stories , hoping that they can help somebody or prevent the same thing from happening to your child.
Hi everyone,
My name is share story. I am female and I was a victim of child abuse. This is the first time I’m sharing my story.
When I was seven, we had a driver. I don't remember his face or anything. Only that he used to call me his wife. I guess everyone thought it was a joke. Everyone but him. One night, I went to the laundry, which was near the garage. He was there. He put his hand up my long nightgown. I had no idea what he was doing. He asked me if I liked it. I shook my head. Then he stopped. I was 7 years old. He shouldn't have done that. I remember lying on the couch afterwards, feeling very dirty. He never touched me again. I didn't tell.
When I was 8, we had this maid. She used to have me touch her breasts. She was probably in her late twenties or thirties. I can't remember. She didn't touch me though, so I guess I have something to be grateful for after all.
When I was 11, my uncle came to live with us. He was my mother's brother. We all loved him. He'd come to the house and play with us and buy us stuff. He was a good uncle. Until he started touching me. In my father's house. For years. He would lie next to me or sit next to me and cover us up. Then his hand would be up my top. I was a kid. He was family. That was wrong in so many ways. One time, he tried to put his hands down my pants. I stopped it all then. I told him i'd tell if he touched me again. I remember one night after that, I woke up in bed, and he was in my room, he had undone my bra, and he was touching me. I calmly walked him out of my room. I think he touched my sister too. We never talked about it. I never told.
I'm over it all. True, none of these people actually had sex with me, but do not underestimate the power of abuse, no matter the extent. You have no idea how dirty it can make you feel. How it can numb you. It's not easy being a kid with a secret. God has helped heal my heart, and I can honestly say I’ve gone on with my life. But I don't believe that talking about it just might be the way to enlighten people so they keep their eyes open and see what's happening around them. I just hope my telling this helps someone.
Let's not think this is a girl's issue. Most of my friends are guys, and I am quite open with them. I've asked at least 25 guys, all Nigerian, about their first sexual encounters, and there were two recurring characters in all these cases: a house maid and an aunt. I've talked to a guy who was forced to have sex with a 30 year old aunt at the age of 6. I gagged at that thought. Then a 5 year old who was made to polish the maid's breasts. Then the one who was taught to give oral sex. Then the one who was told to sleep with a 7 year old girl. Then the one that.................... You know what; I could go on and on.
I worked in a hospital, and I can't tell you how many times a little girl was brought in, raped by some supposedly human being. There was a 5 year old raped by a 17 year old, her mum was screaming at her for going to his house. He was the neighbor. And no, he wasn't arrested. There was the 7 year old who was rushed in, in shock. Someone noticed she wouldn't keep her legs closed. She was examined and it was determined it was rape. My theory, I think it was her father. He came with her though. She wouldn't talk. There was the one kid whose mum caught the teenage cousin feeding her his dick. Countless cases of STD's in kids. It hurts me just to type this.
I grew up in Nigeria, a land where all things sexual are hush, hush. I have no problem with keeping sexual relations between two consenting adults secret. But I believe there is a problem when society looks down on and sometimes even blames the victims of abuse. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth. That's why I'm telling this story now. I think it's important that people know what goes on in their homes, who their kids hang with, where they go to. Parents need to talk to their kids about sex and abuse, so they know when something is wrong, and can fight against it.
My Thoughts/Lessons Learned : She has already said everything that needs to be said. Kudos to her.
Hi everyone,
My name is share story. I am female and I was a victim of child abuse. This is the first time I’m sharing my story.
When I was seven, we had a driver. I don't remember his face or anything. Only that he used to call me his wife. I guess everyone thought it was a joke. Everyone but him. One night, I went to the laundry, which was near the garage. He was there. He put his hand up my long nightgown. I had no idea what he was doing. He asked me if I liked it. I shook my head. Then he stopped. I was 7 years old. He shouldn't have done that. I remember lying on the couch afterwards, feeling very dirty. He never touched me again. I didn't tell.
When I was 8, we had this maid. She used to have me touch her breasts. She was probably in her late twenties or thirties. I can't remember. She didn't touch me though, so I guess I have something to be grateful for after all.
When I was 11, my uncle came to live with us. He was my mother's brother. We all loved him. He'd come to the house and play with us and buy us stuff. He was a good uncle. Until he started touching me. In my father's house. For years. He would lie next to me or sit next to me and cover us up. Then his hand would be up my top. I was a kid. He was family. That was wrong in so many ways. One time, he tried to put his hands down my pants. I stopped it all then. I told him i'd tell if he touched me again. I remember one night after that, I woke up in bed, and he was in my room, he had undone my bra, and he was touching me. I calmly walked him out of my room. I think he touched my sister too. We never talked about it. I never told.
I'm over it all. True, none of these people actually had sex with me, but do not underestimate the power of abuse, no matter the extent. You have no idea how dirty it can make you feel. How it can numb you. It's not easy being a kid with a secret. God has helped heal my heart, and I can honestly say I’ve gone on with my life. But I don't believe that talking about it just might be the way to enlighten people so they keep their eyes open and see what's happening around them. I just hope my telling this helps someone.
Let's not think this is a girl's issue. Most of my friends are guys, and I am quite open with them. I've asked at least 25 guys, all Nigerian, about their first sexual encounters, and there were two recurring characters in all these cases: a house maid and an aunt. I've talked to a guy who was forced to have sex with a 30 year old aunt at the age of 6. I gagged at that thought. Then a 5 year old who was made to polish the maid's breasts. Then the one who was taught to give oral sex. Then the one who was told to sleep with a 7 year old girl. Then the one that.................... You know what; I could go on and on.
I worked in a hospital, and I can't tell you how many times a little girl was brought in, raped by some supposedly human being. There was a 5 year old raped by a 17 year old, her mum was screaming at her for going to his house. He was the neighbor. And no, he wasn't arrested. There was the 7 year old who was rushed in, in shock. Someone noticed she wouldn't keep her legs closed. She was examined and it was determined it was rape. My theory, I think it was her father. He came with her though. She wouldn't talk. There was the one kid whose mum caught the teenage cousin feeding her his dick. Countless cases of STD's in kids. It hurts me just to type this.
I grew up in Nigeria, a land where all things sexual are hush, hush. I have no problem with keeping sexual relations between two consenting adults secret. But I believe there is a problem when society looks down on and sometimes even blames the victims of abuse. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth. That's why I'm telling this story now. I think it's important that people know what goes on in their homes, who their kids hang with, where they go to. Parents need to talk to their kids about sex and abuse, so they know when something is wrong, and can fight against it.
My Thoughts/Lessons Learned : She has already said everything that needs to be said. Kudos to her.
Friday, June 15, 2007
SHare YOur STory 9
This is a part of the SHare YOur STory series. I recieve e mails from individuals that have been affected in some way by abuse. They share their stories , hoping that they can help somebody or prevent the same thing from happening to your child.
Not like I love to relieve it but I'll try.
My first thoughts of abuse were as a kid of barely 5. Some cousins of mine had probably just watched a porn flick and were trying to re-act the scenes and being the youngest at home, I was easy target.
First, I was clueless as to what was happening. They just asked the girls to take off their clothes and lie on each other making some wriggling motions. Very icky and disgusting but we couldn't resist it as they were much older.
Fast forward to some years down the line when you are in a place where you are not meant to be and .....you are attacked by unknown men of the night.
I am pulled away to a desolate place. The man lies me on my back tearing away at my panties while I'm all tears. Crying, begging, pleading to no avail. Blackmailing, calling on God, asking him to remember he has sisters. And he indeed proved that all that meant nothing to a man with a gun. He forced himself into me and had the guts to mutter in my ears with his not fresh breath to move with him so he can be done quickly before people look for him. I curse, rant, cry out but yes...he had his way and left me there. In a damaged heap.
A few years ahead, a distant uncle who we go to spend weekends with, starts by touching my breasts mistakenly a couple of times while I'm on the internet in his study. Then, I run off. At night while trying to sleep, I wake up to him putting his fingers inside me. I want to scream but my sister is right there and I'm scared of what she'll think. So I hit him off. A year later, I am unlucky to spend the night at his alone on a journey. And the idiot actually does he sexual moves again, this time actually coming on me. Then he asks me to pray with him as he is a pastor in his church - the Irony.
The final straw, a popular figure in the society I had just become friends with takes me out and on our way home to drop me off, he diverts to his place to "pick something up" and then pushes me into the room and forces his huge frame on me and does his thing. Once again a Victim.But of course the whole concept of date rape is not understood in Nigeria. It'll be a case of "Why did you go out with him?".
After the last experience and several issues of depression and low self esteem and anger at myself for not reacting properly in every situation, I have resolved that I would be used as an object of lust for anyone ever even if I have to fight with my last breath.
My Thoughts/Lessons Learned : I don’t even know if there’s a lesson here. In the Nigerian society boys who will become men are brought up with a sense of entitlement. I am not man bashing buts its simply a fact. It seems like if you havent suffered from attempted date rape or date rape as a nigerian woman you are in the minority. It is so rampant and at the end of the day it’s the woman that’s blamed.
Not like I love to relieve it but I'll try.
My first thoughts of abuse were as a kid of barely 5. Some cousins of mine had probably just watched a porn flick and were trying to re-act the scenes and being the youngest at home, I was easy target.
First, I was clueless as to what was happening. They just asked the girls to take off their clothes and lie on each other making some wriggling motions. Very icky and disgusting but we couldn't resist it as they were much older.
Fast forward to some years down the line when you are in a place where you are not meant to be and .....you are attacked by unknown men of the night.
I am pulled away to a desolate place. The man lies me on my back tearing away at my panties while I'm all tears. Crying, begging, pleading to no avail. Blackmailing, calling on God, asking him to remember he has sisters. And he indeed proved that all that meant nothing to a man with a gun. He forced himself into me and had the guts to mutter in my ears with his not fresh breath to move with him so he can be done quickly before people look for him. I curse, rant, cry out but yes...he had his way and left me there. In a damaged heap.
A few years ahead, a distant uncle who we go to spend weekends with, starts by touching my breasts mistakenly a couple of times while I'm on the internet in his study. Then, I run off. At night while trying to sleep, I wake up to him putting his fingers inside me. I want to scream but my sister is right there and I'm scared of what she'll think. So I hit him off. A year later, I am unlucky to spend the night at his alone on a journey. And the idiot actually does he sexual moves again, this time actually coming on me. Then he asks me to pray with him as he is a pastor in his church - the Irony.
The final straw, a popular figure in the society I had just become friends with takes me out and on our way home to drop me off, he diverts to his place to "pick something up" and then pushes me into the room and forces his huge frame on me and does his thing. Once again a Victim.But of course the whole concept of date rape is not understood in Nigeria. It'll be a case of "Why did you go out with him?".
After the last experience and several issues of depression and low self esteem and anger at myself for not reacting properly in every situation, I have resolved that I would be used as an object of lust for anyone ever even if I have to fight with my last breath.
My Thoughts/Lessons Learned : I don’t even know if there’s a lesson here. In the Nigerian society boys who will become men are brought up with a sense of entitlement. I am not man bashing buts its simply a fact. It seems like if you havent suffered from attempted date rape or date rape as a nigerian woman you are in the minority. It is so rampant and at the end of the day it’s the woman that’s blamed.
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