SHare YOur STory 15

This is a part of the SHare YOur STory series. I recieve e mails from individuals that have been affected in some way by abuse. They share their stories , hoping that they can help somebody or prevent the same thing from happening to your child

I am not hoping to garner a pity party for this story (I do not dwell on this a lot), but I hope that when you read to the end, you will have gained some insight into what signs to look out for in child abuse/molestation. I am also hoping that after reading this, you will see a different perspective from what other survivors have written.

I am your ‘relatively normal’ happy go lucky 27-year-old girl. I am the 1st girl, 2nd child in a family of 4 children (2 boys and 2 girls) and my parents are still together. Both my dad and mum are the 1st kids of their mothers so you know what this means in a typical naija setting … they were responsible for their siblings. We had many relatives living with us even before I was born. My mum was a high school teacher so she was supposed to be around… and be able to take care of the kids right….. wrong!!!!! Just like the others… I ve a very testy relationship with my mum bcos I cannot understand why what happened to me did.

Now to the koko (nitty gritty). My abuse started around 1985 (I was 4+). We lived in a fair sized duplex in one of the surburbs of Lagos… but all the kids - 4 of us shared one huge room with 2 double beds. My sister and I on one bed and my brothers on another. My uncles had a huge room to themselves (their numbers varied from 3 to 6) and my female cousin had a room to herself.

My 1st abuser… let’s call him Main Pedophile (MP) is my dad’s younger brother…. He is 13 years older than I am. My earliest memory that haunts me till date is him dragging me to a corner and using his dick to brush my teeth every morning before I do the normal brushing up. I knew what ‘cum’ looked like at a very early age and I knew how to give a good head and handjob by the time I was 8 (a bit of humor – all my ‘ex’s will testify to these skills.. ok it is not funny).

Many of the details are a little blurry… but I remember that he will have rubbed my ‘vajayjay’ (with his hand and dick) so hard that it hurt to pee. I cant remember him trying to penetrate me… but he touched me a lot. But he never threatened me with a knife or anything… I cant even recall him telling me to promise not to tell anyone. This abuse went on for 5+ years and I grew to enjoy the acts.… but I hated that it hurt when I peed and I could not walk properly sometimes… y’all will think my mother and the many aunties will notice – nope! My female cousin did and so did some cousins who used to spend the holidays at our house… but did anyone do anything about it?? No, which is why I am telling you about it.

The other flip side of having too many young blooded men living with you is that they have friends… and they have friends that do things. I remember a couple of orgies that took place right infront of me when I was about 7 or 8. MP’s brother would skip school, bring his classmates and their girlfriends to the house, make me and my siblings watch porn, then they would fuck in the house infront of us.. ofcourse I was a pawn in the game too (I still hate porn till date… does nothing for me). I knew too much about sex too early.

The abuse was not just in my house –the neighbors were in it too - Our house was part of a twin duplex and we had these neighbors who had a lot of males in their house (2 grown uncles, 3 lil boys and 1 lil girl). One of their uncles used to do nasty things to those young boys (he would make them stroke his long thing (yuck) and pluck the hairs on it) .. aged between 8 and12. These lil boys will lure me from my house and play touchy feely; all our games involved sex - one guy lying on top of me; cant remember penetration either; but it hurt to I pee, plus they had a househelp who like to suck my tiny breasts, and she will make me insert a key/ other objects in her vajayjay; talk about detailed anatomy lessons when u r 8

Then there was my cousin’s help too liked to suck and touch and I liked to suck and touch too. I also had this other neighbors who had a lot of girls in their house and we used to perform oral sex on each other… I must have been about 10 or 11. The abuse in my early years went on and on.. but I m sure by now you get the picture. even the mallam across the street tried to get some when I was like 11… but I was wise then and did not fall for it.

To the others who have been abused… do you believe that if you were abused as a child, you may become an abuser too? Between the ages of 13 and 16…. I found myself doing what had been done to me to some other young children. I used to touch my younger brother (to my deepest regret. I love him so much and hope he does not remember the few cursed attempts I made) and lil cousin (female) inappropriately and I would find myself aroused. I was so withdrawn at this period and those who knew me then could not figure it out cos I went from Sunny to Gloomy. I drew from an inner strength (God is good) and was able to break myself from this horrible disease.

Like CNG – I grew into a curvy body - I have 34D boobs, small small waist and a 44 inch ikebe on a 5 6’ frame. I curse my body sometimes and I try to tone down what I ve got by wearing decent clothes so that I do not attract too much attention.

I started having sex ‘officially’ when I was 17 (don’t know how I waited till that long because even my guardian’s son used to try his luck when I was in high school) … and my 1st partner told me I was lying to him about being a virgin because I did not bleed the 1st time. I should have dumped his crazy ass then because I let him abuse my body (had enough ‘love bites’ and sores in the 1yr of the loveless relationship). I was emotionally abused (low self esteem) and I actually thot I was frigid cos I cringed every time I had sex. I was too ashamed of my past and could not bring myself to tell anyone what had happened to me. In my 2nd yr of Uni… my roommates and I were discussing abused kids in Nigeria and 4 out of 5 of us had had a brush with pedophiles when we were kids. One of them knew a 50 yr old man who raped a 10yr old girl. I survived a couple of rape attempts in Uni – I know every knee-in-the-groin technique and invented a few new ones myself.

Some Effects of Abuse - Till date.. I ve never had an orgasm before through penetrative and oral sex….. I was always so dry until 5 years later (and 6 partners too) a special someone took time to break down all my barriers and taught me how enjoyable sex can be (thank u S). I also invested in a vibrator on my road to self-rediscovery and I feel that ‘the abuses’ have robbed me of one of the most enjoyable acts in the world. I still struggle with my sexuality… I find myself attracted to women (maybe the house help and neighbor episodes contributed to this), but it is a monster I choose not to feed.

I have told very few friends about the ‘curse’, but I will not discuss it with anyone in my family. I do not feel the need for revenge but I observe all my lil cousins closely to make sure no one is trying any nonsense with them. If you met me in person… you would never know I dealt with that kind of crap as a child and I will say I have grown to become my own person.
‘MP’ is still my family member and I think he prays that I do not remember what he did. I spend time at his house with him and his family. He has not attempted to touch me since I was 11 and I sure hope the hell that he did not lay a hand on my sister…. I tried protecting her back then but I do not want to remind her just incase he did touch her. She is happily married now. MP lived with us till 1999 when he got married (he has 2 beautiful boys who I adore)… I still don’t how I found the will power to break his perversion when I got into high school in ’91 but I knew it was wrong and I snapped … when he tried to touch me I just pushed away and told him that I would scream if he tried any funny business.

I bear no grudges in my heart towards him anymore because I have made my peace with it, but I am not having any relatives or domestic staff living in my house with my family. I have also promised that I will involve myself in every aspect of my children’s lives (Insha Allah) but I will tell whoever I marry about what happened to me because it will go a long way in helping him understand what makes me who I am today.
Please watch your wards, teach them the meaning of inappropriate touching, and show them all the love.
This is my story – it’s a long read but I hope it impacts everyone of you in some way.
Peace… LB