SHare YOur STory 13

This is a part of the SHare YOur STory series. I recieve e mails from individuals that have been affected in some way by abuse. They share their stories , hoping that they can help somebody or prevent the same thing from happening to your child

It was left as a comment on SHare Your Story survivors edition.

I am so happy for you too sweetie..I know exactly how you feel..I had been toying with the idea of posting something up here but I wasnt ready until now.It hurts, especially when you have younger sisters, to know that there's always predators out there..I went through some shit growing up that I always felt like I had to "chest" cos I was the oldest and it was my duty to experience these things in silence so I could learn enough to protect my younger sisters....but who was protecting me?

My earliest memory of abuse was from my music teacher in Pri 1, yes, I had to have been what? 5yrs old??I was at an all girl catholic school [supposedly for the morals, go figure] and I was a bright bubbly little girl, full of promise and very pleasant and because of my apparent love for music[ still love it] I was made the class prefect for music. It was my responsibility to take the workbooks to the music lab and stuff like that, everything was ok until the music teacher pulled me onto his lap one day and got a woody! he kept caressing my thighs and ass crack and telling me not scream or say anything cos I was squirming to get away..I dont remember all the details but I know I eventually got away and started to dread music class..I would be physically sick on the day before the class and I couldnt tell anyone..damn..I think my mum noticed my fear or something but I know I got transferred and I had never felt so much relief in my life!

Then there was my aunty's [my mum's sis] boyf when I was 8 or so[ and she must have been in her mid 20s] who would come visit her often cos she stayed with us for a couple of years..he was friendly, used to play with us kids and we liked him until one day. We had sprayed the house with insecticide [which we did every evening] and had gone outside to let it work its magic. But I had homework to do and had left my book in the house, I told my aunt who got mad saying I should have taken it sooner and there was no way she was going in the house with me to get it, her boyf laughed and volunteered to go with me inside.I went in 1st with him behind me and when I got into the kids' bedroom, he all of a sudden pushed me onto the bed on my tummy and started dry humping me! I couldnt scream cos my face was pushed into the mattress and his full weight, the weight of a full grown man! was on me..I really really thought I was going to die..I guess when it was taking too long [and because of the Grace of God] my aunt started hollering for us and he jumped off.I really feel he would have raped me cos he was bunching my skirt up.I hated him from then and avoided him like the plaugue.They broke up soon after..there is a God.

Then there was our househelp, Elizabeth. I was a very fast developer, so by my 10th birthday I was already wearing a bra and this used to fascinate her I guess, the sight of my budding beautiful breasts..bitch..She would call me into the ironing room to suckle on them, threatening to tell my mum that I had been a bad bad girl, didnt I know this was all my fault? I was sooooo miserable.When I started to refuse her, she got mad and one day poured boiling hot water on my belly, I have the scar still.Of course she had to go.Then we moved and everything was ok for a few years, even though I had chronic self esteem issues[which I've only been able to work through as a grown woman] I could never see myself as beautiful and believe me I am very very beautiful and I'm not just saying that.I wasnt ever good enough, or thin enough, or pretty enough..but I got better, I went to an all girl high school, made friends, got my bubbly personality back, became a prefect and I even had my first baby boyf who was the cutest thing.

But then I finished high school and went back home when I met this guy who was 10 yrs my senior. I was 16/17...and very very shy..I was such an easy target..He was my friend's boyf and used to call me to talk to me about her all the time.It was cool with me; I wasnt the hot one, I was the agony aunt..that was fine by me & she was my best friend, she was the worldly one & I was the sheltered good girl..maybe that was the appeal..He then started to make like it was me he liked and not my friend, this was uncomfortable for me and I said as much, but I was trying to be sensitive and let him down easy..he backed off..He came over to my house one day and asked for me to accompany him to his friend's place [his friend sold perfumes]nearby to get something for my friend,this was not an odd thing to happen as he'd done this once or 2ce esp when he was going out of town and I mean I was convinced we would be back soon, I was even in shorts..I was so naive..We get there and I meet his friend and we sit while he goes into one of the bedrooms..then he comes out and asks me to come with him because he wanted my opinion on something for his gf, my friend, when we got into the bedroom I didnt know when he had locked the door. He then pushed me down on the bed and I started to struggle, I kept saying no no no no, dont do this please no no..he ripped my denim shorts and raped me.I felt nauseous afterwards and I bled so much and all I could keep thinking was "Father let me just get home, let me just get home"He dropped me off at home, oddly happy that now he had made me "his girl"..asswipe..I just smiled and tried to make small talk with the man who had just stolen my virginity.I got home and scrubbed myself with scalding water, I was physically ill at the scent of his perfume for many years..I later found out that he had done that to so many people..raped so many girls..I tried to move on, I withdrew into myself, didnt tell anyone, cried a lot and became moody and temperamental.When I went off to uni, I had boyf in my 1st yr..I coudnt have sex cos..I just coudnt..and, bless him, he wasnt equipped for my issues..lol..I dated someone else, someone older but still in uni a couple of years later and he was the 1st one I told.

He showed me that God is alive..He loved me and his family was perfect to me..they drew me out of my shell with warmth and patience..I'm tearing up just remembering the peace they gave me..It also felt like I got a 2nd chance cos the 1st time we had sex [1st out of 3 times in 18 months!] he told me that if I hadnt told him of my experience he could have sworn I was still a virgin!But we broke up and I lost that stability..But I stayed on my own for a few years..getting to know me and God better and working through my hurt and guilt, I learned how to be with me and not feel alone..but I was still very withdrawn which to some people came across as being standoffish..thank God for good friends..But I still had [and have] the bad habit of blanking things and people which was how I got thru all that shit..

When I met my husband he was the 1st person ever who wasn’t afraid of what was beneath the surface, the hurt and anger bottled up inside..he helped me work through my issues; self esteem and spiritual..he made me face them and absorbed and stood firm in the face of my cruel lashing out episodes..I read somewhere that God made marriage so we can each other's hurts from life..I absolutely agree..I am a strong grown woman..happy, successful, beautiful, blessed and called by God..in love with a wonderful man..with a bright and beautiful future ahead of me..there's no looking back now..
I am FREE!