SHare YOur STory 7

This is a part of the SHare YOur STory series. I recieve e mails from individuals that have been affected in some way by abuse. They share their stories , hoping that they can help somebody or prevent the same thing from happening to your child.


This will be the first time i ever tell this story. i am now 17 and since then It's haunted me from the first day, it's boggled my mind, burdened my heart, made me weep, made me hate myself, made me hate him, made me wish I was never born and made me wish he had never come. I think to an extent, I have gotten over it. I think I have forgiven him even though sometimes , I still hate him but most of the times I am just indifferent about him.I've been trying to tell someone for a while ...but who?..not my mom, I won't be her little princess anymore, not any one in my family..they'll pity me and treat me like a damaged goods. Anyway, here goes my story:

My dad died when I was about 3 yrs old. After a while , my mum married again.Till now, I don't know what she saw in him, because he is not only a shameless molester, he is just totally irresponsible. anyway, I was about 7 when it all began.He would pretend I had done something bad and would say he was going to flog me so he would take me into his room.he'd tell me to sit on his lap and he would touch me and kiss me. I tried to make him stop but the man was about 30 yrs older than me, how could I. I used to feel guilty because I got these pleasurable feelings when he did all that. I couldn't help it, its not like I ever actually enjoyed it but i felt these things.I used to cry and beg God to make him stop it, I asked God why he was making these things happen to me.

at first it mostly happened during the day, cuz at that time he wasn't working.My mom would come back from work and they would be together all mother and father kinda and I would feel so disgusted at him. it wasn't a one-off thing, it happened till I was about 11. Sometimes i'd try and talk him out of it, i used to tell him what he was doing to me was evil and \God would not forgive him but he' didn't think what he was doing was bad that he'd never actually slept with me. I contemplated telling my mom but that would destroy her marriage and I wanted her to be happy. i didn't want to be the cause of their unhappiness.So I just kept it to myself and he used to threaten me and tell me I musn't tell anybody. i was scared for my younger sisters I usd to watch his every move with them, I had to make sure he wasn't doing the same thing to them without telling them about it.

I wanted to be bold enough to tell somebody but i couldn't .I had to live in the same house with him and act like he was my father. I mean , I called him"Daddy" that word used to sting my mouth every time I said it. I was rude to him a few times in front of my mom and she scolded me. It was hopeless, I prayed to God and did my best to stop him.When i went to boarding house in Js1, I was so happy that I didn't have to live with him and deal with him. Sometimes, I would get homesick in school but I would remind myself that anything was better than living with him. As, I grew older I became more rude to him and threatened him I would tell my mom.and then he finally stopped.he's no longer with my mom anymore which i am happy about get

It didn't make it any better cuz i still felt dirty used and ashamed.I fell the whole experience has taken away a part of me, it's reduced my self esteem and confidence.I have already started to rebuild that because I dont want him to be the cause of my failure in life.I will not allow him to make my life miserable, I have to show that i am stronger than him and what he did to me and I know I will overcome..I wondered why it had to be me, why i was the only one out of everyone i knew that this happened to? Now, i guess I'm not the only one, there are probably more i just don't know just like they don't know about me. Sometimes I wonder: the marriage I was trying to save still ended so what was the point. However, I don't think i would still have done it, I couldn't and still can't let anyone know about this. Hopefully I will someday get the courage to speak out but till then this is the only way i can tell my story as nameless, faceless me.

Lessons learned / my thoughts: Even as nameless faceless you, you are incredibly strong to tell your story. you are so young, just 17. I hope you can rebuild what has been taken from you. As for the lesson learnt, its obvious. Parents open up the line of communication with your kids and dont trust anyone with them.