This is a part of the SHare YOur STory series. I recieve e mails from individuals that have been affected in some way by abuse. They share their stories , hoping that they can help somebody or prevent the same thing from happening to your child.
Experiences, thoughts, family, culture, gender, and individuals encountered through out ones life shape the people we become . Like a piece of malleable clay , what happened to me 10 years ago shaped me and changed me forever. I live an unfulfilled life, feeling in some ways that the direction of my life was changed forever.
I found your blog purely by chance. A friend of mine decided to send me the link because I am a young Nigerian mother with a daughter ; not knowing I would have a story of my own to share. Mine without a doubt is a cautionary tale.
My attack happened in my cousins neighbor’s house. He was a popular guy , his popularity almost reaching legendary status. He attended the number one school for producing the so called rich kids in Lagos. A school, which shares a name with a certain major ocean in the world. I didn’t attend that school but I knew who he was, that’s a measure of how popular he was.
I went over to my cousins house and found out that he lived next to her. I was ecstatic , hoping that during the holiday he would give me some attention. He started talking to my cousin and I and invited us to his party. I was elated, other kids in my school were dying for an invitation and just like that I got it. This was my golden ticket, they had let me in to the gilded gate. How was I to realize what they planned for me?
The party was ok but I noticed it was unsupervised which just made the boys look cooler. They was a lot of drinking which at 14 I was not used to.
Then I got separated from my cousin . He took me upstairs mentioning something about a tour of the house , threw me on the bed and raped me. When he was done, his friend took his place. They edged each other on then one of the guys called his 13-year-old cousin. He looked frightened, it was so obvious that he didn’t want to partake in this crime, but they edged him own. He plunged his dick in to me .I blacked out all I remember till this day of the last person who raped me is the terrified face of that 13 year old. I don’t know if there were other guys who raped me.
When they were done and I finally came around , he warned me that it was his word against mine. He also mentioned that no one would believe me and I would be labeled a slut. I honestly don’t remember what happened for the rest of that day. I just remember he gave me his sisters jeans to wear since mine was stained with my blood. I was a virgin . I never told anyone not even my cousin. I just told her that I was roughed up. I finally went back to the party. The most striking thing is that I would meet the guys in parties in later years and i would hug them and say hi like nothing happened.
This will be the first time I am speaking(writing) about it. I was to embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone. I have never even told my husband thinking he would blame me in some way for what happened.. Thank you ConfusedNaijaGirl for giving me a mouth piece. I appreciate what you are trying to do but please don’t let these stories to become just stories.
We have become a jaded and unconcerned society. “100 killed in iraq”, “3000 die in oil explosion in nigeria.” We hear these headlines, shake our head and say “what a shame.” And we continue what we were doing. The question should be what lesson is to be learnt from this? Mine is that mothers please protect your daughters. Question them and don’t allow them to be so trustful.
I simply do not think about what happened that night. I just tried to move on from the pain. I do get flashbacks .
Thoughts/Lesson Learned :I decided to post this woman’s story first because she raised a valid point of the stories not just becoming stories. Its like this “What are you gong to do to prevent your daughter, sister, brother, nephew or neice from becoming a story?
The lesson I think to be learned from her story is that parents in general should monitor and watch their teenage daughters activities. If she is going to a party, make sure she is going to a party of someone you know or at least there is supervision in the party. What do you guys think, what is the lesson to be learned from this woman’s story or what is the cautionary tale?
39 comments:
How sad! Its a lesson and i hope others can learn from it like making sure young girls dont go out unsupervised Like you mentioned CNG.Have a nice weekend!
Thanks to the lady in question for sharing and to you too CNG for sharing.
Prior to reading blogs I'd never have guessed stuff like this happened in Nigeria. It's really sad and I hope this will gain more attention as more and more people come to know about it.
My lil sister keeps saying she wants to go hang out at the mall with her friends or go to some "friends" party". One thing we ask is is there supervision? if not, then gbe idi e joko si ile.
Kudos to this brave lady for sharing her story. Hopefully this can influence some ppl when it comes to protectign the women in their lives.
oh my gosh.... how horrifying
I especially hate the part where she hugs him later as though nothing ever happened cos that's exactly what i did/do... God bless the lady for sharing her story.
Wow!! It saddens me the amount of stories waiting to be told about this sort of violation and tragedy. I commend you for creating a forum where those who have been silenced by disgrace and fear can FINALLY find an outlet to just talk about it. To the writer of the story you posted - I don't want to patronize you with sympathy, but I laud you for speaking out.
I absolutely agree that parents should know where their children are going and who's supervising or going to be a chaperone? No one is saying be strict and lock them up, but be responsible and help protect them as best as you possibly can.
this is such a sad story... I agree with Overwhelmed, i hate the part where she hugs him later as though nothing ever happened...
That was horrible and I apologise that someone who went to my school did such a thing.
What about the men/boys? They also need to be taught respect a woman (or even a mans) space. We invest a lot of time teaching our daughters this that or the other but wne need to watch our sons tendencies also. Don't be responsible for raising a monster.
Oh my gosh! that was really horrible! I mean how could someone do that..... and then invite the 13 yr old boy too?
mehn! it's really sad that this sort of thing prevails in our country and nothing is happening to stop it. I guess because its all hidden, everything just looks so normal that they never see a reason to change anything.I hope through your blog people will really be more aware of these things and try to prevent them.
Little girl lost raises a valid point. What about the boys too, how can you ensure you dont raise a monster. Some nigerian boys have been brought up to believe they are special and entitled due to their mothers pampering and practically adoring them. I mean one has to look at my brothers and wonder how they actually became decent human beings. I mean the guy had a SISTER!!! he gave her his sisters jeans!
I relate. I was sexually molested as a little girl and raped at 17...by someone old enough to be my father and I greeted him the next time I saw him. I bore all the shame when he was in the wrong. My younger sister was gang raped in a Nigerian university by 5 guys and the next time they saw her on campus...they told her what's up?Like nothing had ever happened. We live in a patriachal society where unfortunately a lot of males(not all) are brought up with a sense of entitelement...which extends to womens bodies.We need to reach out and change our attitudes.
I'm really proud of you.
I feel really bad for what this woman has goine through. And your question makes me wonder if there's anything anyone can do to ensure that they're children don't end up in the same situation. Although I agree with the comments that talk about the way we raise our sons. If I have a son, I will do everything in my power to instill in him moral values and an empathy towards women.
My other thought was I really hope that this never happens to anyone I love but that if it does, they can talk to me. And if they don't feel like they can talk to me, I pray they have someone in their lives who they can talk to because that's what I find saddest about this story, that this is the first time this woman has told this story.
Nah, she is a warrior and a strong person to have the heart to hug them after the years like nothing happened. That was a really sad and pathetic story, but the moral of the story is: for your kids to go to any party, be sure it is supervised, know the people that are going to be there, sounds like alot but we wont stop having this stories and it is killing!
Thanks to the lady who shared her story, I know it wont take away the pain but I hope writing about it helped a bit n I pray God helps u heal.
@ Confused, this is a great idea n there is always something new to learn. Keep it up!
Where are those religious people who do so well to rail and condemn when sex for pleasure is talked about but are never there to provide succour when sexual abuse is raised?
The story was too difficult to read, I wish the lady strength to live fulfilled beyond the abuse and pain of the past.
too bad these things cant be totally avoided, they can only be reduced and we can only hope it doesnt happen to some1 dear to us. i think males have to learn to respect females, and females too shouldnt pass their boundaries too. like attend unnecessary functions.
You just dont think stuff like this happens in naija. Her story should enlighten young girls and women. i am saddened. And the guys will live with it, that I hope will be torture, to know that they are rapists. If nigeria was a country where the law was actually for victims, I would encourage such victims to come forward, but since it isnt, I hope God gives ythem solace. And CNG thank you for sharing your story.
- Bee
Oh! My Goodness,this is a sad story.
I praise the woman and pray God gives her the grace and strength to see herself beyond this.I don't even kow what to say.
How much can a mother protect her child? What about children that are raped by their own relatives in their own homes?
Or robbers that rape daughters in their homes and laugh at their parents faces?
I remember,one of miracle workers relatives,who she was helping to get a job, the foolish"uncle" of mine was asking me out!
Telling me he will spoil me.
The height was when he finally told me that he loved me!? He had seen me as the naive 16 yr old who just left a secondary school.
I told him off,I insulted him,he never returned. But I know now,that it was not because I was smart,it was just God but till today,I have not told miracle worker.
We all have to be vigilant,not just mothers of girls but of boys too and be and give the best we can to our children.
Another great story.
Was the party in ikoyi or ikeja? Maybe we should focus more on naming & shaming than the name of the atlantic ocean. shio!
oh my gosh..horrific....i felt shivers down my spine reading her story..i think parents should do a better job in raising their kids and telling them wats wrong and right...
the sad part is the villains grow up , get married , have kids, some even become pastors....forgetting how they ruined someone else's life...i think guys should take an inventory of their past and go beg for forgiveness from those they offended..
may God help us ALL
that was distressing, but i am glad that she had the courage to tell. maybe we can find a way to protect our daughters in future, but how?
i wish that she hadn't had to go through that nightmare experience. what a tragedy.
i hope you're better now.
damn.
its sad when u hear stories like this one... but how can we really stop this sick act people commit??? i ask myself everytime.. HOW???
well i think we must all go to the NO.1 who is God and ask him to protect our loved ones from such dangers and those that have been victims of such.. may God heal thier hearts... (amen)
well, i know we can always take precautions but let me say one thing no matter how strict one wants to be, what is in a childs mind no one knows... i remeber when i was still very young and my parents kept saying Anu dont do this and dont do that, i always wanted to know why? then i would do it and find out why??? children would one day go into the universities and then they would go places and still things like this could happen.
i think the best solution is to keep praying, advise young kids about things like this so they can be more careful even when they decide to break rules...
I agree with cng that monitoring activities is key, but as some1 said u can't protect your kids from everything. What really bugs me, as this story shows, is that our society champions the idea that women should "chest" rape. I don't know how to change that, but I know we need to.
I absolutely applaud the fact that you have shared a traumatic event that happened to you in an attempt to help others speak out/heal. I believe this is the first step to healing. This might seem easy coming from me, but i believe that you need to confront this person, its easy to say "why are u hugging someone who has done this to u" but i think that you have dealt in the best way you know how, but to heal you need to let him know....
@ unviel I think the point she was trying to make was that this can happen in all facets of society, even the ones that may be considered upper class. I dont think that was the main focus of her story though.
@ olawunmi . thanks sure i am better.
@ anon I know. I am angry all the time when i think of it. He goes on with his life as if nothing happened. I dont think i have reached that point yet but I want to confront him with my family.
life takes my breath away.
It takes a lot of courage to be able to share something this horrible. Now i understand better why my mother never really liked us going to parties in those days.
It is really sad the extent to which human beings can go to be sooo mean.
I am a rape victim as well...and i am so proud that people now talk about these things. I remember the first time i talked about my experience...i was warned not to speak of it again...that it was shameful, disgusting.
It took a lot of therapy and a lot of strength to understand taht i was a victim, it was not my fault.
And today i stand. Taller than anyone and anything. My head up high. Not afraid to share my experience...
It destroyed my life and is still destroying my life after so many years...i struggle with intimacy and many other things.
Leaving me alone, to the woman that wrote this, may your strength always overshadow your weakness.
What happened that day was no fault of yours and you will be strong and dont you EVER EVER be ashamed.
From a sister to another.
@ frozen pink you are a rape survivor not victim. It took a lot for me to change my mentality from that of victim to survivor. and its so sad that you were told not to speak of your experiences. Its a sad culture and way of thinking of out people.
It seems saying sorry or being empathetic or sympathetic is not enough to right the grevious wrongs done to this lady and many more.
All I know and Hope and Trust is that be it in this life time or the next, their actions will come to a head. And Love, with the step you've taken to even talk about this, your comfort and emotional healing is around the corner.
I can't believe I am just reading this... I am a whole week late.
My heart goes out to this lady, I can't imagine what she went through and what's been going through her mind ever since. Having flashbacks, trying to forget about it... not being able to tell her husband, friends and relatives.
One thing I have noticed is - People have been blamed in the past for getting raped! "Why did you wear a sexy outfit? Why did you go someone alone with him?" I am not surprised she hasn't told anyone...
I hope one day, she can sit down and talk to someone about this. Talk to God, someone! So she can move on.
I hope comments in this post help her in some way.
To be honest, I don't know if mothers can do much for their daughters when it comes to this... some kids, when asked too many questions, rebel and sneak out to parties. Sexual Abuse could happen at home, It could happen at a friend's party...
I feel sick to my stomach after reading this and like the first anonymous said, can only apologise that people who went to my school did this.
I think it is very commendable that you can write about it and speak out. I hope it makes you feel better and you get the help you need.
This is just tragic but I sweat it is inspriring because u are a strong survivor!
To this the idiot that did it went to my school as well + its important to note that it can happen anywhere from your house to a govt school to a posh british countryside boarding school.
I appluad you for sharing as I know it will help others.
We cannot continue to be silent on these issues. As cng said, u and every other person in this situation is a survivor not a victim. I was never abused but I rememeber some idiotic grown ass men hitting on me or trying to lure me into such sitautions when I was younger. I thank God that he led me away from them because I dont think I have you guys strength. I thank God for your lives and am rest assured the next generation of Nigerian women will not allow this happen to our children!
Very very sad indeed - I huess if she didnt say hello to them, it sends out a message to them that she has serious issues - that just reinstates to us as mothers to keep praying for our children - so that no harm will befall them.
this is annoying, to think u still see him and are able to give him a hug...like most I was molested as a kid by my uncle's best friend, who didnt touch me but would make me touck his d**k when noone was watching. I was 5, didnt know beter, thought it was something cool to do. I couldnt imagine telling my uncle, I didnt even think to tell him. Those memories are fast fading, and I barely remember anymore. Never knew it was molestation till I got much older.
God help us all
"Never knew it was molestation till I got much older." that statement says a lot..the sad thing is that are children are growing in even more evil times. I download songs on bearshare and almost everyday some pervert send me messages saying " you wanna see me come, you want to see my dick/pussy" that is so sick..I mean it could be a 9 year old downloading songs. Now Pedophiles use all sorts of ways to get young people..Let us all beware, my mum says to me "why are you always carrying your children around with you?" na who I go leave my pickin for..abeg I no want trouble, I have two boys and I don't want their first sexual encounter to be with a househelp or driver..My brother in law's first sexual encounter was with his wife and I think my boys can do the same with God's help and determination. Some parents protect their girls and tell their teenage boys" use condom" such a double standard,... God Bless
This is just too sad. all these stories. I think it is very important to name and shame rapists especially if they are 'everyday people'. not for the sake of gist but for the sake of protection. u cannot rape somebody and get away with it, or ''forget'' about it, and move on with ur life meanwhile yrs later the girl is still traumatized by it.some other people have started naming people that have raped them and believe me it is helpful cos now i know that Folarin Jones is a rapist and should not be allowed to mix with normal people. certainly not me.
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